Heartfelt Mother's Day sentiments if you're broke

Treating Moms on their special day doesn't necessarily have to be planned in extravagant detail or involve spending much money. There are other ways to surprise Mom. Announcing you're gay or have contacted Hepatitis B isn't recommended though. I say forget about giving out those insincere Hallmark cards. Instead write a card and put some feeling into it. These may not be the most articulate words ever written on paper especially if you've been drinking at the time, but at least genuine. Sometimes throwing a little guilt her way will help remind her that there are no perfect people in the world and she still owes you $400 from like 5 years ago.

Taking Mom out to eat doesn't have to be a big deal either. If you have the money let her pick the restaurant. Otherwise do the same as if nearly broke and on a date. Offer to buy lunch then say, "Okay, look you've got two choices: it's either McDonalds or Wendy's and don't get an attitude." That way you still show you care somewhat and actually are willing to withstand the embarrassment to let everyone around know that you're a real cheapskate of a son. Besides that other quick ideas are rip daisies out of someone's yard to give to Mom, teach her how to operate a VCR, plunge the toilet in her house you caused to get clogged up after dropping too big of a load, and drive around town to pick out a future nursing home she likes the best.

There is no need to shower Mom with expensive gifts when you can use sarcasm. She'll appreciate it in the long run. When she complains about bills and rising expenses rejog her memory by explaining that this is no longer the 60's and 70's, gas is almost $4.00 a gallon, blue suede shoes aren't hip anymore, and the way the economy is now Hitler might as well be running the country. Surely that bit of information ought to make her day. Celebrating Mother's Day wouldn't be the same without the true mix of feelings between 2 generation gaps. What matters the most is you're spending time with her despite the grief you cause each other.

Selling fake land plots off islands

Buying land from an unknown buyer can be a hassle and sham. I don't know anyone who doesn't want to see plots of land before they make a purchase. It's easy to do so in a local market, but with a sale proposition posted on an online auction it's just too big of a risk. In an ad an piece of land off the Virgin Islands or Barbados with a price too good to be true. A diagram stating the total square miles, acres, and ocean fronts are shown. It turns out the plots are on a tiny island one-tenth of the original size noted by the seller. In other words some shyster is deceiving potential buyers looking for a great vacation spot and planning to screw them over royally.

These online scams have run rampant and adding land into the mix is even more treacherous. It's hard to have trust in a business deal when a buyer finds out a seemingly perfect summer getaway spot is polluted with oil spills, trash, and dead seagulls. The smell will be so foul forget about relaxing and catching some sun rays. Taking a dip in the water which appeared crystal clear in the picture in the sales pitch turns out to be murky brown in sections and isn't so inviting. Plus all the sun screen in the world won't prevent the soreness when a lobster waddles ashore and pinches you in the nuts. That's when a buyer realized they got shafted big time and ought to have said no deal.

Self-induced comatose

People who complain too much about their physical condition yet are not acutally in pain don't have medical problems. They'll claim to not be able to do move for a while because their body feels like it's in comatose. Using this same lame excuse everyday after eating is really a sure fire signal to indicate they're way too lazy. Then to claim they got injured on their job and have comatos-itis wouldn't result in workman's compensation instead they'd probably be out of job faster than going to hell in hand basket.

Open displays of affection include man hugs

People want to cringe and make faces at almost everything that happens in public. In an era where same sex partnerships are expressed and more accepted than in 70's, 80's, and 90's everyone has to deal with their phobia. The same goes for guys who hug each other in public places. Sure it looks gay and draws a hell of a lot of attention sometimes, but it's also self-expression in a nonverbal type of manner.

Men tend to hide their feelings so what better way to reveal a sensitive, cuddly side than with a man hug. Gays even know this needs to happen more often with straights yet I'm not condoning everyone frolic and grope lovers and friends out in public. In private, well...it's going happen one way or another. Too many guys are revered as sissies or pansies because they show affection.

Women do it all the time and think nothing of it. Even when they brush up boobs to boobs by accident nobody flips out about it (sometimes it's taped on camera though and generates a crap load of money). Females get a kick out of it when guys reach out and touch one another with affection in a non-sexual maneuver. Nothing is wrong with male bonding as long as it doesn't result in a closed setting environment against one person's will type of thing. Families can't worry about their sons or daughters coming out of the closest. Sometimes a special hug or pat on the butt cheek is enough even if it happens to be at a strip club.

Governors and their need for hookers

The endless accounts of governors and mayors being caught with hookers shouldn't be so suprising. Everyone knows there is corruption in the government and things which come on behind closed doors. With the Elliot Spitzer case still steamrolling in the media America has yet to hear the latest details of the governor's out of control fetish and call girls. Everyone in politics has conducted secret relations some time or another. Governor Arnold had to deal with the whole 'groping' of women claim in California. New York mayor McGreevy came out and announced he was gay (no need to act like he doesn't enjoy exotic night clubs named the Pink Flamingo anymore). All these stories surface sooner or later.

I don't understand why television news networks like CNN spend so much time covering outdated scandals. It's merely a hot topic of conservation for juicy gossip. Members in government positions whether in the Senate, House of Representatives, or the White House will be dropping their pants for years to come. There is nothing the American people can do about it. Some way these wackos will find their way into office and end up disgracing their family and their own name. That's always been a part of politics. Let's just hope none of the present or past governors display public forms of fondling or decide to go streaking one humid, sunny day.

A look back: remembering M.C. Hammer and Vanilla Ice

I'm sure the names M.C. Hammer and Vanilla Ice are familiar to most people growing up in the early 90's. Their music careers were short-lived yet their memories live on through numerous jokes. Here below are a couple more I'd like to share.

- Before white guys started gigs in rap it was hard to come up with with good stage names which weren't already taken. Deciding against using the name 'Ice Cold' the wannabe star Vanilla Ice figured it sounded too much like a flat soft drink with no flavor.

-After living a life of luxury M.C. Hammer manages to lose everything. Now when he opens his wallet instead of seeing a wad of cash a McDonalds coupon falls out with an old rumpled up condom.

-Before Vanilla Ice was famous he used to be a aspiring break dancer. The problem was he so uncoordinated he broke his fall on countless tables and stereo equipment and got hurled out of night clubs by bouncers.

-M.C. Hammer's hit single, "You Can't Touch This" became an skyrocketing success on the music charts and also were the first comments made by his girlfriends after they found out he was flat broke.

- A good transition for M.C. Hammer after ending his music career would've been to join a circus. That way he could still wear his baggy pants as a clown and once again entertain the masses without even uttering one ear-wrenching lyric.

Geraldo Rivera and the cross-dressing dwarfs who love him

It seems like a while since Geraldo Rivera has bombarded television screens with his insignificant reporting for Fox News. I really don't care to see him at all except when he says something really stupid and gets nailed for it. Revealing military locations a few years ago very well could have caused him to get fired or even shot. His days as a talk show host are over. Topics concerning transvestites and their secret lovers or overweight strippers' compulsive eating habits will now have to be reserved for old reruns on Jerry Springer and episodes maybe with Dr. Phil. If there was one defining element he brought to national television it was douch-baggery.

Most people could care less about the former talk show host and want to tell him to go jump off bridge. His credentials as a news reporter are more than questionable. It seemed as if his fielding reporting has become minimized, mainly regulated to hurricanes and tornadoes. Seeing him getting tossed around in 30-40 miles per hour wind is kind of amusing to watch. I'm pretty sure he'd try to continue talking after getting blown into a tree. Reporting on celebrities wouldn't a wise move for Geraldo. I know if he got too chatty about the whole O.J. Simpson case there would be a high risk of him getting stabbed or maimed.